So, I was very very intimidated by writing about Connecticut. This is probably the first time ever that anyone has said that about Connecticut but it’s true. Initially, the temptation was to just pick a whole bunch of songs about people being rich but that got boring and repetitive and frankly made me worry that I’d break out the old Che Guevara shirt again. Let’s be honest… that would not have been good for anyone. THEN I considered making an entire list of songs about how much I hate Geno Auriema and Jim Calhoun but again… spite doesn’t bring in the blog followers (actually, that’s wrong, that is EXACTLY what brings in blog followers). So in the end what did I do? I googled, “Fun Connecticut Facts” and found songs with only vague connections to these fun facts… and supplemented these with some songs about rich people!!! GET HYPED. Oh and also I added a poll question to the end (which means that everyone reading this has to vote…. Multiple times if possible so as to create the illusion that more people than just Kim, Jon, and Nate are reading this).
1) Pulp – Common People (Live at Glastonbury 1995)
I’m ashamed to say that I was not very well acquainted with this song until it made an appearance on Pitchfork’s top 200 songs of the 90s list this year. I have been making up for lost time with it however as it has been in heavy rotation on my iPod ever since. The brilliance of illustrating the painful conversation that you have with people who you acknowledge are… well… simply better at life than you are is undeniable here. For those of you that care about this sort of thing, the Glastonbury 1995 performance is legendary in that it signaled the end of the reign of the Stone Roses atop the Brit Pop pyramid. Even if you don’t care,
We’ve all been there (and if you think you haven’t, it just means you were the other person). Being forced to interact in an environment filled with people WAY outside of our economic and cultural universe. You feel like your clothes aren’t good enough and you’re not smart enough so to compensate for your inability to have conversations about jetsetting to Europe you start to either A. hide in a corner and watch the TV B. go outside and smoke even if you don’t smoke or C. DRINK HEAVILY. I have a feeling that there are lots of these parties in Connecticut.
2) Stone Cold Steve Austin Theme
Oh how I loved (love?) professional wrestling. Sure, the number hours in my youth that I devoted to watching WCW and WWF (not WWE, eat shit World Wildlife Fund) could PROBABLY have been better spent on things like social interaction with others and fine tuning the intricacies of my red and black Breeding Pit/Direct Damage Magic the Gathering deck but I don’t think I regret a single minute. The cool part about this is that Connecticut is PROBABLY the least white trash state in the union and at the same time hosts the headquarters of WWF. Now my Five favorite Stone Cold Steve Austin moments:
5. Stone Cold flips off Mike Tyson on Raw is War
4. Brian Pillman pulls a gun on Steve Austin after Austin shatters his ankle and breaks into his house to inflict more pain
3. Stone Cold drives Zamboni up to ring and pours beer EVERYWHERE
2. Stone Cold delivers a Stone Cold Stunner to Vince McMahon
1. Stone Cold heckles Booker T throughout a grocery store, beating him with food items and taunting him via the intercom
3) Hall & Oates – Rich Girl
So I’m really gonna stop with the whole rich people live in Connecticut thing soon but I just HAD to include this. Does anyone else get the impression that the titular “Rich Girl” is the same chick that later tries to hang out with Pulp? The similarities between the two are staggering.
4) The Beatles – Yellow Submarine
Do you love submarines? Who the hell don’t? I mean they go underwater and stay there for like… umm…. a long time. And ya know what? According to my Connecticut FUN FACTS website the FIRST nuclear submarine was based out of Connecticut and there’s still LOTS of submarine stuff going on there, except for this guy… he’s dead.
5) Guided by Voices – How’s My Drinking?
So I’ve been watching Boardwalk Empire and am really enjoying everything about it. There have been two potentially hazardous but actually totally safe side effects from this however:
1. Thanks to some fine detective work by some fellow Dawson’s Creek fans, I’ve welcomed Henry (Jen’s young QB boyfriend… sort of a proto-Matt Saracen) back into my life and in the process find myself experiencing an unrelenting urge to watch the Creek followed by three games of Madden ’05 in the basement of Jefferson Hall. Since that would be trespassing I’m thinking that the purveyor of the blog that's currently taking the blogosphere by storm should secretly arrange some underground viewing parties
2. It makes me want to drink WHISKEY ALL THE TIME
So why am I talking about Boardwalk Empire (Jersey), Dawson’s Creek (Massachussetts… but really North Carolina) and drinking (everywhere… besides Utah). Because Connecticut NEVER ratified prohibition…. I’m starting to like this state more.
6) T.I. – Big Shit Poppin
Okay… I love ESPN more than anything in the world. Watching ESPN has literally become instinct and muscle memory. I sit down, I turn on ESPN, I watch it… even when I’m not watching it. That having been said… the worldwide leader in sports… centered in what I hear is BEAUTIFUL Hartford, CT has had some of the most hilarious television missteps of the past decade. None of these is more notable and awesome than the increasingly HILARIOUS “Who’s More Now?” competition which only gets more ridiculous with age. If I’m not mistaken the final pitted Tiger Woods and Lebron James as Stuart Scott argued that Tiger was more NOW because of his wife. Really. This happened in real life. It’s theme song? A cleaned up version of this horrible T.I. song that is most definitely NOT “Now.”
7) Steely Dan – Peg
White people make up 80% of the population of Connecticut… that’s really really white. And what do white people love more than just about anything in the world? STEELY MOTHERFUCKIN DAN!!!!!!
8) 50 Cent – Wanksta
Speaking of things that only white people like, did you know that 50 Cent is from Connecticut? This makes his whole “hit with a few shells but I don’t walk with a limp” act far less impressive. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that 50’s hailing from Connecticut MIGHT make him the very Wanksta about which he complains. You didn’t know that this song was a work of existential self-hatred did you? Kierkegaard would be quite proud.
9) Dashboard Confessional – Screaming Infidelities
I’ve railed before about the concept of the “guilty pleasure” song and how we shouldn’t really make apologies for liking the things that we do. Should I really feel guilty about my unceasing love for Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream?” How about the fact that I point to my shoes when Miley Cyrus croons, “Who’s that chick that’s rockin kicks?” in “Party in the U.S.A” Well let me tell ya…. I don’t. Do I feel guilty for the fact that from 2001 to 2003 Screaming Infidelities made an appearance on about 94% of my mix CDs? Yes I do. If you ever liked this song, you should feel guilty too. It’s JUST. SO. BAD. My last memory of hearing this bad boy was at the Arp residence where I vaguely recall duetting on this with Kevin after doting over his Salem High School state championship ring in what is… to this point in my life… the single gayest moment. Also Chris Carraba was born in Connecticut… and is a WANKSTAAAAAA.
10) Sonic Youth – Superstar
Now that we’re done with people from Connecticut that suck (your HAAAAAIIIIIR is EVERYWHEEEEEERE, SCREAMING INFIDELITIES, TAKING ITS WEAAAAARRRR!!! Sorry, had to get that out of my system) let’s talk about two people from Connecticut who don’t. Thurston Moore and Karen Carpenter. I saw Sonic Youth in concert last summer and was absolutely blown away by how awesome Moore and his hot wife Kim Gordon looked on stage. These are people in their late 40s or early 50s who were absolutely bringing the heat on a level WAY beyond that of indie kids half their age. When you take Sonic Youth’s raw energy and fuzz and add it to a downright HEARTBREAKING love song in Superstar, you have one of those covers that reinvents the original in a way that is both reverent and completely novel. The plaintive “baby, baby, baby, baby, ohhhhhh baby” refrain tugs at the heartstrings.
11) Alan Jackson – Gone Country
I’ll be honest, I’m still experiencing the fatigue of crafting a fun, joyous, and epic Georgia mix so I just had to ride that country wave for one more week. This song works with any state because I think everyone, secretly sort of wishes that they could go country. Also, this video is ABSOLUTELY hilarious. As great as rap videos can be for unintentional comedy... they can't TOUCH country.
12) Bob Dylan – Positively Fourth Street
That’s right… Dylan’s back. This time his brilliant EFF you to people that say they’re your friends but then betray you. Dylan was calling out his elitist folk scene for their hypocrisy in criticizing him out for “going electric” while they espoused principles of love and openness for all. How does it fit here? It’s dedicated to one of the all-time most brutal backstabbings in political history, that of Joseph Lieberman as he evolved from Democratic VP nominee to sniveling, war-monging, opportunist. Man I hate that guy.
13) John Mayer - Your Body is a Wonderland
14) Sugar Ray – Every Morning
15) Moby – Natural Blues
What you see above is a veritable pu-pu platter of musical suckitude . Interestingly enough, these guys are all from Connecticut and they all suck for completely different reasons. They all suck so differently that each of them would probably agree that the other two sucked which is absolutely fascinating, because as I said, they all really suck. Hard. Mayer sucks like that guy who plays his guitar in the common room of your dorm just so girls can hear him play. Uggggghhhhhh that guy sucks. Mark McGrath sucks like that guy wearing the Ed Hardy shirt and hitting on your girlfriend by talking about how he’s training for his first MMA match sucks. Meanwhile, Moby sucks like that douchebag at Ellwood Thompson’s trying to figure out if that chicken is FREE RANGE ANNNNND LOCAL ANNNNND ORGANIC, all the while tugging at his ill-fitting $35 American Apparel t-shirt while simultaneously making fun of Mark McGrath’s $45 Ed Hardy t-shirt.
That’s all for Connecticut folks next up is Massachusetts. Red Sox fan should just wait until I get to Maryland and then resume reading.
